One More Secret

This is the space usually occupied by angry, embittered outpourings of jealousy and hurt.

Not anymore, that is...not like it used to be.

Christopher and I are engaged.

Engaged!

It's the strangest, most surreal feeling to think of our now-solidified committment.
I just want to get going on the rest of our lives together right now.

I'll admit that right now I am feeling a slight amount of jealousy at he and the rest of everyone's probable activities for the evening.
I mean, I was going to eat the magical mushrooms as well...yay Charlie!

But it wasn't to be for now.
I am going to try and get some here anyway.

But overall, the wistful semi-jealousy I had felt is now more of an "oh, well" feeling.

This is much better.

He Has Become

Words are so powerful.

MY words are so powerful.

I have gone from utter silence to a deafening roar of blatant evil.
Looking over the writing pouring from me into my hemlock has shown me just how twisted and terrible I am...and most likely always shall be.

I am vengeful.
Hateful.
Malicious.

I will to bring pain...and I succeed.

Being Right Never Hurt This Much

Having held onto the possibility of something truly heartbreaking, truly without explanation and thus having created a worsening where...where...

Oh, screw this elevated language and writing.
I hate this feeling, like I HAVE to put everything so eloquently.

Chris cheated on my with Lee.

It happened quite some time ago, but even then I had an idea.
This hurts a lot more than I wanted to let it.

I guess it sort of goes hand in hand with the concerns I had about Scott seeing as how I put all of my worry into one situation when the true basis came out of a previous occurrence.

I hate Lee so much right now, I think of him as a little devil sinking his claws into my boy.
I want nothing more than to strike out at him with all of the force I can muster and then to scream with all of the pent up jealousy and anger I possess.



I forgive Chris, I forgave him back when I knew it had happened.
But having now heard the reality of his own confession, I am a shell.

Funny how the compilation so carefully crafted for Scott's emotional/intellectual state now applies so directly to my own.
I listened to it as I walked in the rain last evening prior to talking to Chris.

I promised him that I would not talk of it again, would not use it to hurt him in any way, would not bring it up to anyone else.
I am realizing that I do not know whether or not I can truly do that.
I have a huge desire to talk to someone about the whole series of events as they stand in order that I might vent, regret, cry, I don't know.

I couldn't contain my frustrations last night as I began to feel an emotional melt-down occurring. However, I held back many, many tears and I am sure that I have caused something of an unhealthy compacting of healthy feeling and output.

I don't know what I should do about all of this besides pray and wish.

Chris needs a break and I respect that.
I just feel that I am going to lose him.
That he is going to slowly slip away from me.

I love him and this is so painful for so many reasons.
But I love him.

Forgive Me Father for I Have Sinned, It Has Been Two Weeks Since My Last Confession

There is something going on inside of my head and my heart.
In honesty, when is it that there is not something taking place in those regions.

Scott is amazing.
I have to admit that to myself.
He is attractive in so many ways and I am sincerely drawn to him.

Again, I must be honest in saying that I really do want something to happen between us.
I guess in truth I have to say that "something" already is happening.
Why do I not feel that accute sense of stomach-lurching sickness so typical of me in a situation where I feel like I could very well be cheating?

It's because I know that Chris is in the midst of the same thing.
He likes Scott.
And why shouldn't he?

Scott is more mature, more down to earth, more receptive, more masculine, and most importantly, more like-minded.

It feels as if I have finally gotten to see what it is about me that Chris is feeling I lack and he desires and suddenly there is this person that fits the bill.

Can I hold it against Scott?
Absolutely not.
He is who is and that is not blameworthy.

It is the same reason that I cannot let myself feel a sense of blame for who I am.
More specifically the person I am that is not what Chris wants.

And it's not even as if I believe Scott can do no wrong, it's more that I feel like the "wrong" he may do is lesser than my own offending points which may drive Chris away.

I am hurting inside at knowing that Chris' attentions are waivering.
It's similar to how I felt when Jeremi was in the picture at the beginning of the summer.
However this time the feeling is so much more threatening because, unlike Jeremi, Scott is a person who could genuinely hold Chris' attentions and fulfill what it is that he is looking for in someone.

I don't know how Chris feels.
He seems to be so much stronger than I.
At the same time I do not completely understand whether or not he takes this as seriously as I do.
I guess the accutest of pains comes in the moments when I realize that Chris would rather talk to Scott than me.

I just want to keep discovering Christopher.
I want to hold onto the beautiful boy who I love so much and yet at a threat of loss I feel the need to strike out by showing that I too can be desirable to others.
In this case the same person who Chris finds to be so fascinating.

I just want to talk to Chris. I just want to be transparent to him and him to me so that I can feel that same sense of love and "need" that he is seemingly so adverse to showing.
It's that same feeling I would get at the beginning of summer when I received his notes, his messages, and more importantly his weakness.

I am trying to pray about all of this and understand what it is that I am supposed to feel, how it is I am supposed to react.

If I were to force myself into a choice my choice would be Chris.
I have felt so much of an investment that I cannot imagine pulling out for a maybe.
Actually it's not even a myabe, it's an impossibility.

Face it, nothing can actually happen between Scott and myself. Or even Scott and Chris.
There is no room for anything other than an emotional/intellectual connection.
Perhaps this is one instance in which distance will be my saving grace.

I have to fight for Chris.
I did it before and I know I will do it again.

But now I feel as if even though nothing will be physically manifested in a manner so pointedly hurtful, there is still an opportunity for some kind of support if not enhancing of a notion of the lacking where Chris and my relationship is concerned.

Will it make being apart less worth working at, worth fighting for, worth bleeding over?

I cannot say for certain but it is merely a concept which I consider in an attempt to bring myself to readiness for what terrifies me.

I do not want to lose him.
I do genuinely love him.

I proved that once again to myself when I would not give into my desire to kiss Scott.
It reminded me of that time last Christmas when Chris told me of how he nearly let himself go with Jeremi...the only difference in this case was the fact that there was no spell.
No blinding magic.

I knew what I wanted, what I truly and deeply wanted.
My desire to be true to the boy I love rose above my desire to feel physically close to Scott.

As much as I think of myself as a physically driven (and sometimes weak) person, I was able to abstain from something that would have been so easy.

Chris, please, please know that I choose you.

How can I let you know without just saying it?
Please let me know.


In so many, many things with you, all I want is for you to let me know.

Why can't I just be happy?

Calling upon the insidious point of always...break loose.

I know I am profoundly attached to far too many things.

I am a jealous person and I have this stupid suspicion that Lee and Chris may have done something of which I am not supposed to know.

I don't know, I just wane at the lacking of that romantic attention.

Once Again, The Sinking Empty

Once again, it seems like I am constantly unsure of Chris and I.
I hate this feeling.
This is reminding me of that month few weeks leading up to our original break and I cannot let myself think that that is going to happen again.

But I am frightened. I am scared to think that I'm going to drive in some kind of wedge with my actions. I cannot let myself hold this fear.

I need to talk to you, Chris.
I need to ask you my stupid questions and I need to hear that you love you.
Just say it.

Where Do I Go With This?

I am in the middle of deciding whether or not to tell anyone else about Christopher and I.
I know that it's a call that should be made by the two of us in tandem, it just seems like there's no time to confer.

I just want it to be an average thing.
We can walk anywhere together, holding hands or not.

We can sit anywhere together, his head on my shoulder.

I just need to have more self-assurance so I don't feel a need to feel external approval.

Come Clean

I admitted that I read the book.
I was less hard than I had expected.
I love Christopher.

Too much to tell

In the last several weeks my eyes have been opened to the possibilities of love.

That sounds so prosaic, so loose, so ideal.
And yet, that truly is how I feel at this point.

Chris and I have a chance.
It seems so small sometimes, but it's still a chance.

We love each other, we have both claimed it, both affirmed it, both lived it.

Something is different.
There's less of the weight of proof on my own shoulders now.
I feel like Chris has taken on some of what he left to me for fear of, well, fear.

I have to admit a strong sense of triumph over the forces of Jeremi.
He tried to get a hold on Chris' heart via victimization and vulnerability...and yet while I smile cruelly at his romantic demise in my favor, I recognize that I am not completely above reproach on that same level.

I have to admit that I put myself up against impossible odds in order to be saved by my Christopher and this is not an effort of honesty so much as an ideal proof of love.

Sometimes I really confuse myself with how much I process internally.

Chris got a little pointed (in a very polite way) about sharing our food today.

I felt kind of dumb for not thinking about the fact that I was sharing what was both of ours.

But hey, it's a chance for me to exercise NOT flipping out over being corrected.

I got a single hug today.

It was just right.

This Story Finds Binding

When will I ever be able to tear myself away from Chris?

I find in my heart such an unconditional love for him...even though previous posts would tell of some deep-rooted hurt, it is now obvious that those were only feelings of the brief moment.

I have spent much time with him lately.
I have spent many nights with him.
I have held him close.
I have kissed him.

I have been held.
I have been kissed.

Please God, let it be real, let it stay.
I want nothing more right now.

I don't want to be afraid to know what I want.

Several Days...Severe Daze

I am sitting in front of dear Mable wishing against wishing that Chris could find it in his heart to try again.

I know, I know...we are one and the same where affirmation is concerned and I can only imagine his level of contempt for feelings of insufficiency or lacklustre acceptance from those he cares about.

But it just seems as if everything is so real, so tangible when we're together.

I love him still, I love him so much.

Cole made a really definite point in saying how I need to tone down and she's right...God I hate it but she's right. There's no way I can go on flirting with attention-getters when I know that calming down into realism will be my only true salvation.

Then there's the issue of Jeremi, I get suh bitterness towards him when I think of his affections for the man I love...the boy I adore...but then again, as tonight seems to confirm...Chris is not interested in that.

The fact that Chris would prefer to call me after they were through talking shows me a lot about how much of an established comfort there truly is between the two of us.
The fears I had about something happening in my absence are beginning to aleviate and I hope they continue to be confirmed to that end.

Listening to Sting sing along with Chris Botti's sedcutive Jazz trumpet carries me to a level of serene contentment which I can only describe with words such as "shallow ideal" but conceptually this feels so genuine.

*sigh* on with my show.

insufficient

sometimes I really feel like less,
almost as if I am hopelessly below what is required or expected.

Tonight was one of those times.
I could not hardly even get an erection...Jeremi tried...Chris tried...it was no use.

I hate it, I mean I enjoyed myself, sure...but overall it's like I couldn't go through with it.

I am pretty sure that the main reason has something to do with me still being head over heels for Chris.

End of the Year Syndrome

I told Pierce that I like him.

That came after a LONG period of car ride where we talked about music, life, the piano and tons of other amazing topics.

I guess I should feel bad for playing into the whole "ending of the extended relationship" thing with his girlfriend, but I kind of think he likes me back with a limitation based in his own discomfort with his feelings.

I guess I'll just have to see if he ends up coming down to see me.

There are a series of things that have happened of late to really piss me off...well, then again that sounds much harsher than I mean.

I guess it's just late and I am annoyed at myself for not being able to just go to sleep.

Chris is "suspicious" about something being up because he happened to be in the room when someone got an email about his surprise party.
-Damn!

He also didn't tell me that he was leaving for the concert yesterday...I have a strong feeling that that was on purpose.
-Damn!

He found the letter I wrote him.
-Damn!

This is coming out sounding as if I am very exasperated...well finally I am writing myself in a sense of justice.

I came to the conclusion that I think I do, in fact, possess the ability to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with a girl. It's just going to have to involve a lot of questions.

I think the questions scare me because they make me feel incomplete and unsure of what I want, I wish I could just know.

I did it again

I read that fucking book.
Why the hell does that Grimmerie of thought have to hold so much power over me?

I have shaken your fucking snowglobe...but only because you invited me to!
Did anyone ask the snowman what they wanted...I TRIED!

God, this is so stupid. I am so attached to someone who I need to recognize will never love me because his love goes into two people who he will not let me get close to.
But God forbid you blame Matt Barrow for shaking your globe.
I mean, he's not dating YOU...he's dating your wife.

Whatever, make up your mind and stop using me.
I feel used.
God, I cannot believe how used I feel.

I'm a fancy way to jack off.
Great...you know, I know of plenty of ways to really, REALLY hurt you and the reason I don't use them is because I DON'T WANT TO!
I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU!
I DON'T WANT TO HURT RACHEL!
I DON'T WANT TO HURT STEPH!

And yet you feel a need to protect them from me...to protect yourself from me.

At least now I know how you truly feel.

I am tired of feelings.
They are so stupid, so vulnerable...and I hurt them myself way too easily.

Chris is going to Iain's after the concert tonight...so obviously I couldn't be in that car now could I? I wonder if they remembered that I wanted to go...maybe, I don't really know.

hmmm...maybe I'll try and take action.

doubtful

So I'll admit that Matt Barrow has somewhat made me feel like it's not that important that I'm leaving.

I'll admit this came after I was tactfully excluded from a little "he and Chris sleepover" where apparantly their relationship is so much better because they are "1-on-1"

What, am I a hinderance?
Looking forward to being rid of that problem child?

I don't know what to think, Matt...could you just die, just a little bit, for me?

I'll be honest, in a single day...well, less than that...in a single evening I saw myself repairing my friendship with Chris and possibly even sleeping next to him.

What I saw as positive possibility later turned into reality and now I am so confused.

It wasn't love-making...not like we've known it before...it was- well, I guess it was less.
I felt like less.
I felt less genuine...I think I had a really hard time of it because I have disconnected from being loved romantically because of how much it hurt to be without something I was so used to.

I was originally very self-controlled.
I didn't even cuddle up next to him, I didn't barely touch him.
I tried to just let the two of us sleep.

But when I felt his hand pull mine closer,
when I felt his breath on my skin,
when I held him closer and gripped his hand...

...it was like I was on my way to where we were.

I wanted to finish that journey so badly, I just wanted the closeness...but it's been robbed of its truth somehow.

I am wondering again if Chris and I could ever be, well, be "Chris and I" again.
This is so much to think about all at once because, as opposed to what it used to be, for a brief moment this feels possible, this feels real.

I do miss him,
I do still love him.

I am glad I will at least be close to him some this summer.

*laughing to myself*

I just LOVE how this has become little more than "BitchAboutTheEx.com"
I credited myself with more original diversity than that...hmmm.

I guess sometimes I just wonder why the fuck I let myself get this hurt...I refuse to become bitter in general but I see that I am developing a rather dangerous bitterness toward Chris.

I mean, I really have a love for Steph, for Matt, for Rachel...hell, I even have a sort of compassion for Miranda...but Chris, no I am just angered at so many things now.

Leaving is parting...it's a space that has become unwanted but necessary.
Damn this retarded shit.

yeah, that was mature.

In continuation of my rant...

So, you've won back your territory.

You pissed roses around the floor and now there's a big, bold marker of your ownership.

"3R 'heart's CHRIS KEITH"

So what if you have some sort of right to this space...I still hate it.

I did it, alright?!

I stole your God damned Book of Shadows

It's so wonderful to see how much careful attention you payed to the life that you so carefully told me was so hurtful. It's really nice to see how my so-called "role" in your life was little more than a footnote to pages of decisively over-romanticized bullshit.

Hah, maybe I should count myself lucky that I found nothing pertaining to me. After all, I would probably find some convoluted way to hold onto a childish feeling of importance...like I actually meant something.

I'm also really glad to know that the "best relationship you [had] ever been in" was such a blank space for you.

You could have at least said SOMEthing...or maybe even left a blank page.
But no.
You go on writing as if the last five months of life never happened.

Don't think that I flatter myself with thinking that that's only because I was a part of those months...but still, it's so brazen.

I am in a satisfactory state of being ROYALLY PISSED.

I'm leaving. No more of this if it really means nothing.

It's ok, I have already read how I won't be missed.

I think I am going to do it

I've almost made a decision that I am sure could be detrimental to my "friendship" with Chris.

I'm going to steal it.
I'm going to steal the Book of Shadows.

Why, I ask myself...

...because it's off limits and I want to.
I am being the biggest bitch in the world right now because my heart and my head are in terrible coincidence. We are not where we thought we would be...and yet somehow, he is where he wants to be.

I almost hate you for that except that I can think back on the good times, the romantic times where life was so surreal...ideal even.

Whatever, you've signed off, I've begun to callous.
Stab me with something.

carry yourself over the flaming water

so maybe it never was love...maybe it was just infatuation

i hate to admit that because chris would be right again

but maybe it was and even is love but infatuation is developing

wanting...only wanting

last night, chris and i made love

it was truly beautiful and i crave the feel of his skin against mine,
the mere presence of him next to me...wrapped up in each others' arms is beauty

i love you so much, it hurts

for the record

since i never really keep dated records of my life, i figured i might as well note

it happened last night

i want to be kissed, touched, held

please, chris

please

coming through fire doesn't mean there is no burn

i feel as if i am in a sort of limbo.
i know that i am coming into a higher level of this relational purgatory but it seems so unsure all of the sudden.

we spoke about whether or not we would stay together...
...but we never finished the conversation.
i spent a day in misery (because of many things) and felt unduely awkward...
...but he still sat on my lap.
i went to sleep without a kiss...
...but then i was awoken by him climbing into my bed.
i tried to sleep next to him...
...but i dreamt in harsh discomfort.

i hate to bring it all up again, but i think i just need to talk about this.

it's happening

we're having the talk that i hate, i dread, i sicken at the thought of its necessity

why am i so afraid of this, what is it that hurts so badly?

we're not through yet, we're not decided...

an yet he seems so unsteady...it's like he doesn't want it but he can't stand to say it

i can understand this absolutely, but then what good is understanding? what will it do but make it all the more apparant why he is right (or perhaps wrong, would that hurt?)

"i don't know" seems popular

i know you don't want to talk about it,
but i want you to

i know it's not about me,
but how will things change even when it isn't

i have this fear that i am changing and you are not

i have this pain that i am more interested than you

i am a lame-ass retard and i hate feeling desperate or needy
can i say "i love you?"

the heart breaks,
but out flows a stream of paper,
ink stained by the utterances of love.

1) i love the way you tickle my back, even when you're upset
2) i love how thoughtful you are; always coming up with new ways to make me smile
3) i love the way you dance. it's so fluid and perfect
4) i love the way you cook great meals for...er,wait...
5) i love how much effort you put into pleasing me
6) i love watching movies with you; it's so comfortable
7) i love how you know everything! (i.e. teaching me new words or how to accurately order my coffee)
8) i love how you will go out of your way for people. it show how much you care and exemplifies authenticity.
9) i love that you have a set of values and moral; you're not a band geek
10) i love you, mostly...

may more hearts bleed for him in this

so the party was fun on some levels and really sad on others. i wish the hostess hadn't felt such failure but i definitely did.
perhaps it's something in that house.
i don't know.
we'll have to see if it persists next time we're there.

i am quite hungry right now and i feel like i could eat a horse.
she's gone and i am happy and angry and sad and i hate that i can't just settle on one thing.

i need to eat.
i need to study.

i need money.

i just want to spend all of my time with you
i think that is too possessive
i just like being around you
do you feel the same way i feel
can i trust myself to trust you
i hate feeling like i don't know
whenever i get the feeling...that empty, boiling pain in my stomach...i need to have something to do to make it better
what can i do
i am glad we talked about drugs
drugs scare me because i feel stupid
i wish i was alright with feeling stupid
i wish i wasn't an idiot about being inferior
i don't need to be better than everyone...i hate that
but i think i am
i am nothing sometimes
i am so fucking lame
i hate feeling this way
this is only feeding it

so now i feel like it all paid off...but it's not like i felt like i was earning up to something.
i mean, i won the heart points game.
that's kind of a big deal to me.
throwing out numbers makes me happy.
it was a nice beach,
it was a nice night,
it was a hateful cold.

boredom is not what i am feeling, i think i am feeling expectant or something like that.
what am i waiting for?

some days i feel like i am putting in way too much attention
others i feel like i don't get enough

i hate how i feel right now
i hate how i read into things

i wish i could go away for a day and then come back and be missed and have you get all mushy and excited.

i am going to get a book of shadows

i am going to write in blood or something

i want tomorrow to be really special

finally, this whole hair-cutting thing can blow over.
sure, there will be the obvious enough show of mistake for a little, but with a good haircut, things should be looking up QUITE a bit.

no more of this nastiness

good
i didn't like it, not one bit

i want to sleep in the same bed with you, i want to just lay my arm across you and feel warmth and favor, that seems so trivial and stupid but i don't care

damn, i'm retarded....

well fuck me, no really why don't you use something really fun while you're at it.
there's always broken glass or maybe a healthy does of flat out "i HATE you"

on it's ok, i don't think it's ridiculous how shitty i feel.

i am not mad, oh wait apoplectic would be really a good word for how i feel about your reaction.
this is not fair or necessary by any means.
what am i supposed to do, ignore that i feel slighted.

yes i made a large and noticeable mistake but that doesn't mean it was on purpose or something.

whatever.

i cut you something terrible

i cut me at the same time

it's not bleeding blood, but anguish still accompanies

do not worry, i cut myself all the way this time

you shall see, you shall over react (or perhaps you shall not)

i am so sorry

there are a number of people whose lives should now be kept in careful safety...

...otherwise they will find their throats severed and their blood used to write hateful prose on the public sidewalk.

screaming didn't seem sufficient in this situation.

teresa- hatred doesn't describe this feeling i have for you right now, you backstabbing bitch
lauren- you can bottle those tears and sell them to someone who really cares...or perhaps store them up and drown yourself
andrew- you started this, you will end it...or you will come to an end

i am bloody angry, i am cut in half and spilling out into the clean pool

i think i am finally satisfied in having a life marked by the secrecy of a non-disclosed journal.
this day is brighter,
this sky is bluer,
i am continually happy.

he is so wonderful
there is no other way to say it.

i am in love with Christopher Stewart Keith

he makes me happy, he allows me to be sad when i need to

there is something so raw, so passionate, so animalistic about how i feel toward him sometimes.
then there are the heart pangs that remind me why there is so much more to us than being in the same space.

our hearts are getting closer,
our eyes are sewn together...it's like we have one sight, one vision

i really, really love you and i am delighted to be your favorite

i am revelling in his affection.
there is something surreal about being so doted upon.
i feel like roles have finally switched.
or at least evened out.

i am selfish

i pray that this experience lasts...i am so relieved that i was wrong.

i am not finished for him.
we are not finished for each other.

i do not wish ill toward those who may be against us for any reason,
i merely rest in the joy we have rediscovered.

i must finish before the week is up

i feel as if i go up and down.
i feel as if i might break down or be sick because of the jolting nature of the ride i have made for myself.
can i not just bank on what he said?
can i not just remain secure in knowing that he loves me?
why am i so fickle?

i feel frightened that i am disappointing him left and right.
i am no longer good enough,
i have lost my newness...i am no longer the most exciting.
i want to talk to you again, i want to hold you again.

i want to fall asleep with you again.

where have i gone,
where have you gone?

where have we gone?

what is the matter with me,
there is nothing to be afraid of right now,
i am being an absolute child and it is embarassing.
all the more reason for him to think of me as less,
but does he think of me as less?
does he still hold me in high regard at all?

why these questions?

you love him, it's obvious
i love him, it's obvious
i don't want to lie but i will do practically anything to protect what we have
i am selfish in this
it's not about me getting what i want
i need to know that i am being the giver...i am wanting the best for him and not myself


i think what hurts themost right now is knowing that i cannot trust anyone for awhile...i guess i just need to sew my lips together and plan on being a pained smile

scream why you're hurting

i am so tired of it being an issue that i am gay...that ANYONE'S gay.
i want to be in love with him, i want to be happy with him.
i want everyone to be happy with us.
i feel like i mean nothing sometimes.
i feel like i am of no use, no value, i am young and inexperienced.
i am a fucking loser, an idiot.
GOD FUCKING DAMN ME TO THE SHIT-RIDDEN CESS POOLS OF ROTTING ENTRAILS FOR BE SUCH A GODDAMN ASSHOLE.
you are selfish
you are nothing
you are so goddamn stupid
you are fake
you are coniving
you are about to be little more than someone who WAS

i sit awake listening to the lilting voice of someone squeezing out every last drop of authenticity from between their clenched fists.

there is something soothing in knowing that another is putting so much effort into what it is that you find relaxing.

their pain is your comfort, their work, your reward.

everything is so peaceful when no one is awake.


everything is so honest when i am not sleeping on my heart.

proposing something secret is very obviously selective.

now is the time to see who to trust.

be it people, be it feelings, be it song or sight or dance.

now, when the sun fades, now.