I'll be honest, in a single day...well, less than that...in a single evening I saw myself repairing my friendship with Chris and possibly even sleeping next to him.

What I saw as positive possibility later turned into reality and now I am so confused.

It wasn't love-making...not like we've known it before...it was- well, I guess it was less.
I felt like less.
I felt less genuine...I think I had a really hard time of it because I have disconnected from being loved romantically because of how much it hurt to be without something I was so used to.

I was originally very self-controlled.
I didn't even cuddle up next to him, I didn't barely touch him.
I tried to just let the two of us sleep.

But when I felt his hand pull mine closer,
when I felt his breath on my skin,
when I held him closer and gripped his hand...

...it was like I was on my way to where we were.

I wanted to finish that journey so badly, I just wanted the closeness...but it's been robbed of its truth somehow.

I am wondering again if Chris and I could ever be, well, be "Chris and I" again.
This is so much to think about all at once because, as opposed to what it used to be, for a brief moment this feels possible, this feels real.

I do miss him,
I do still love him.

I am glad I will at least be close to him some this summer.