Chris got a little pointed (in a very polite way) about sharing our food today.

I felt kind of dumb for not thinking about the fact that I was sharing what was both of ours.

But hey, it's a chance for me to exercise NOT flipping out over being corrected.

I got a single hug today.

It was just right.

This Story Finds Binding

When will I ever be able to tear myself away from Chris?

I find in my heart such an unconditional love for him...even though previous posts would tell of some deep-rooted hurt, it is now obvious that those were only feelings of the brief moment.

I have spent much time with him lately.
I have spent many nights with him.
I have held him close.
I have kissed him.

I have been held.
I have been kissed.

Please God, let it be real, let it stay.
I want nothing more right now.

I don't want to be afraid to know what I want.

Several Days...Severe Daze

I am sitting in front of dear Mable wishing against wishing that Chris could find it in his heart to try again.

I know, I know...we are one and the same where affirmation is concerned and I can only imagine his level of contempt for feelings of insufficiency or lacklustre acceptance from those he cares about.

But it just seems as if everything is so real, so tangible when we're together.

I love him still, I love him so much.

Cole made a really definite point in saying how I need to tone down and she's right...God I hate it but she's right. There's no way I can go on flirting with attention-getters when I know that calming down into realism will be my only true salvation.

Then there's the issue of Jeremi, I get suh bitterness towards him when I think of his affections for the man I love...the boy I adore...but then again, as tonight seems to confirm...Chris is not interested in that.

The fact that Chris would prefer to call me after they were through talking shows me a lot about how much of an established comfort there truly is between the two of us.
The fears I had about something happening in my absence are beginning to aleviate and I hope they continue to be confirmed to that end.

Listening to Sting sing along with Chris Botti's sedcutive Jazz trumpet carries me to a level of serene contentment which I can only describe with words such as "shallow ideal" but conceptually this feels so genuine.

*sigh* on with my show.

insufficient

sometimes I really feel like less,
almost as if I am hopelessly below what is required or expected.

Tonight was one of those times.
I could not hardly even get an erection...Jeremi tried...Chris tried...it was no use.

I hate it, I mean I enjoyed myself, sure...but overall it's like I couldn't go through with it.

I am pretty sure that the main reason has something to do with me still being head over heels for Chris.