A Night of Random Gladness

Having just spent the evening with Melissa Mary Springer, Tiffany, Gayle, and a lovely musician named Jon Garcia, I must say that I am feeling rather refreshed.

That's a marvelous word for today: refreshing.

Although I did miss my morning class because I was doing its assignment and I finished only to find that it was released early, I was able to spend a peaceful time in the park blocks just sitting, daydreaming, listening to music and smoking.

Yes, I call smoking peaceful.

I made the spontaneous choice to go and see the Degas exhibit at the Portland Art Museum this morning. It was fabulous.
I was so impressed by the display of various beautiful pieces.

I think that I've found a new couple of favorite artists.
I was so excited by the style of Forain as well.
And while I don't remember his full name (I know there was a hyphenated double last name beginning with "Toulousse") I really enjoyed the third featured artist as well.

I proceeded to spend the evening with Melissa during which we went to Edgefield, listened to soothing live music, I had a Manhattan, and the evening was complete with tots.

I'm tired now and going to bed.

Why Do I Think of You

I just had a memory of Chris and I running along the waterfront; him getting frustrated and grumpy because I ran more quickly and with more perseverance while I just tried to accommodate by slowing down, taking shorter strides.

What the Hell makes me couch this whole memory in an "I'm so good, he's so lame" fit?
I'm not contented with being the child looking back on something and thinking of themselves as innocent.

I'm not innocent.

I haven't been innocent.

Perhaps of his betrayal...but then again that's over.
Why do I not embrace that it's truly done?

One Bad Apple

Brian Cartinella is a truly heinous individual.

Writing it out seems slightly more cathartic than I had originally anticipated.
Something that I'll never be able to fully wrap my head around is the ability some people have to forget about others.
When a relationship with someone forms there's a tattooing of connection, commonality, combination.

These things may change over time but the originals will always organically and immortally exist as the precursors to everything else.

People like Brian (and I have encountered more than just this spineless, ego-centric, pathetic hypocrite) have such a brilliant ability to demonstrate their truly soulless, inhuman disconnection from veritable feeling.

I don't care for him or for his opinion...I think more than anything I just want to inflict physical pain upon him.

Not that I ever would.

I would be reducing myself to his level and I will never allow myself that kind of degradation.
Brian hates life, his job and himself.

At least I only hate one of those three.

Indescribable

There's something going on inside of me that I cannot really describe.

I'm having a difficulty with Peace.
I feel such an anger, a discomfort, an indignant boiling.

I feel tight and ready to blow only there's something holding all of this hot, hot air within and it's causing my skin to feel like it's the only thing keeping mask on a very ferocious beast.

I cannot feel this for much longer.
I don't feel capable of holding this.
It's unwieldy in a way that should only be called unhealthy.

I don't know if it's because of one or many things.
I'll list.

-So many people at my house when I intended on going to sleep
-Seeing Chris and Jenny
-Seeing Anna (and having her want me only for my alcohol and cigarettes)

Wait.
That's it.

It's Anna.
She deposits in me the keenest unhappiness.
I'm feeling used.

That's IT!

I'm feeling used and it's removing my comfortable and established order.
My control is in question.

I need to let myself realize that I was used.
I was used and I must square with that.

Sadly I now know that Anna must be told of how I feel.
This will be painful for both of us but the outcome, I am sure, will be far better for me than for her.

This feels wrong and yet I know it must be done.
I know the feeling of wrong comes only from my auto-pilot comfort-others mode.

I still feel all tied up inside but it's beginning to lessen somewhat.