Indescribable

There's something going on inside of me that I cannot really describe.

I'm having a difficulty with Peace.
I feel such an anger, a discomfort, an indignant boiling.

I feel tight and ready to blow only there's something holding all of this hot, hot air within and it's causing my skin to feel like it's the only thing keeping mask on a very ferocious beast.

I cannot feel this for much longer.
I don't feel capable of holding this.
It's unwieldy in a way that should only be called unhealthy.

I don't know if it's because of one or many things.
I'll list.

-So many people at my house when I intended on going to sleep
-Seeing Chris and Jenny
-Seeing Anna (and having her want me only for my alcohol and cigarettes)

Wait.
That's it.

It's Anna.
She deposits in me the keenest unhappiness.
I'm feeling used.

That's IT!

I'm feeling used and it's removing my comfortable and established order.
My control is in question.

I need to let myself realize that I was used.
I was used and I must square with that.

Sadly I now know that Anna must be told of how I feel.
This will be painful for both of us but the outcome, I am sure, will be far better for me than for her.

This feels wrong and yet I know it must be done.
I know the feeling of wrong comes only from my auto-pilot comfort-others mode.

I still feel all tied up inside but it's beginning to lessen somewhat.