Being Right Never Hurt This Much

Having held onto the possibility of something truly heartbreaking, truly without explanation and thus having created a worsening where...where...

Oh, screw this elevated language and writing.
I hate this feeling, like I HAVE to put everything so eloquently.

Chris cheated on my with Lee.

It happened quite some time ago, but even then I had an idea.
This hurts a lot more than I wanted to let it.

I guess it sort of goes hand in hand with the concerns I had about Scott seeing as how I put all of my worry into one situation when the true basis came out of a previous occurrence.

I hate Lee so much right now, I think of him as a little devil sinking his claws into my boy.
I want nothing more than to strike out at him with all of the force I can muster and then to scream with all of the pent up jealousy and anger I possess.



I forgive Chris, I forgave him back when I knew it had happened.
But having now heard the reality of his own confession, I am a shell.

Funny how the compilation so carefully crafted for Scott's emotional/intellectual state now applies so directly to my own.
I listened to it as I walked in the rain last evening prior to talking to Chris.

I promised him that I would not talk of it again, would not use it to hurt him in any way, would not bring it up to anyone else.
I am realizing that I do not know whether or not I can truly do that.
I have a huge desire to talk to someone about the whole series of events as they stand in order that I might vent, regret, cry, I don't know.

I couldn't contain my frustrations last night as I began to feel an emotional melt-down occurring. However, I held back many, many tears and I am sure that I have caused something of an unhealthy compacting of healthy feeling and output.

I don't know what I should do about all of this besides pray and wish.

Chris needs a break and I respect that.
I just feel that I am going to lose him.
That he is going to slowly slip away from me.

I love him and this is so painful for so many reasons.
But I love him.

Forgive Me Father for I Have Sinned, It Has Been Two Weeks Since My Last Confession

There is something going on inside of my head and my heart.
In honesty, when is it that there is not something taking place in those regions.

Scott is amazing.
I have to admit that to myself.
He is attractive in so many ways and I am sincerely drawn to him.

Again, I must be honest in saying that I really do want something to happen between us.
I guess in truth I have to say that "something" already is happening.
Why do I not feel that accute sense of stomach-lurching sickness so typical of me in a situation where I feel like I could very well be cheating?

It's because I know that Chris is in the midst of the same thing.
He likes Scott.
And why shouldn't he?

Scott is more mature, more down to earth, more receptive, more masculine, and most importantly, more like-minded.

It feels as if I have finally gotten to see what it is about me that Chris is feeling I lack and he desires and suddenly there is this person that fits the bill.

Can I hold it against Scott?
Absolutely not.
He is who is and that is not blameworthy.

It is the same reason that I cannot let myself feel a sense of blame for who I am.
More specifically the person I am that is not what Chris wants.

And it's not even as if I believe Scott can do no wrong, it's more that I feel like the "wrong" he may do is lesser than my own offending points which may drive Chris away.

I am hurting inside at knowing that Chris' attentions are waivering.
It's similar to how I felt when Jeremi was in the picture at the beginning of the summer.
However this time the feeling is so much more threatening because, unlike Jeremi, Scott is a person who could genuinely hold Chris' attentions and fulfill what it is that he is looking for in someone.

I don't know how Chris feels.
He seems to be so much stronger than I.
At the same time I do not completely understand whether or not he takes this as seriously as I do.
I guess the accutest of pains comes in the moments when I realize that Chris would rather talk to Scott than me.

I just want to keep discovering Christopher.
I want to hold onto the beautiful boy who I love so much and yet at a threat of loss I feel the need to strike out by showing that I too can be desirable to others.
In this case the same person who Chris finds to be so fascinating.

I just want to talk to Chris. I just want to be transparent to him and him to me so that I can feel that same sense of love and "need" that he is seemingly so adverse to showing.
It's that same feeling I would get at the beginning of summer when I received his notes, his messages, and more importantly his weakness.

I am trying to pray about all of this and understand what it is that I am supposed to feel, how it is I am supposed to react.

If I were to force myself into a choice my choice would be Chris.
I have felt so much of an investment that I cannot imagine pulling out for a maybe.
Actually it's not even a myabe, it's an impossibility.

Face it, nothing can actually happen between Scott and myself. Or even Scott and Chris.
There is no room for anything other than an emotional/intellectual connection.
Perhaps this is one instance in which distance will be my saving grace.

I have to fight for Chris.
I did it before and I know I will do it again.

But now I feel as if even though nothing will be physically manifested in a manner so pointedly hurtful, there is still an opportunity for some kind of support if not enhancing of a notion of the lacking where Chris and my relationship is concerned.

Will it make being apart less worth working at, worth fighting for, worth bleeding over?

I cannot say for certain but it is merely a concept which I consider in an attempt to bring myself to readiness for what terrifies me.

I do not want to lose him.
I do genuinely love him.

I proved that once again to myself when I would not give into my desire to kiss Scott.
It reminded me of that time last Christmas when Chris told me of how he nearly let himself go with Jeremi...the only difference in this case was the fact that there was no spell.
No blinding magic.

I knew what I wanted, what I truly and deeply wanted.
My desire to be true to the boy I love rose above my desire to feel physically close to Scott.

As much as I think of myself as a physically driven (and sometimes weak) person, I was able to abstain from something that would have been so easy.

Chris, please, please know that I choose you.

How can I let you know without just saying it?
Please let me know.


In so many, many things with you, all I want is for you to let me know.