carry yourself over the flaming water

so maybe it never was love...maybe it was just infatuation

i hate to admit that because chris would be right again

but maybe it was and even is love but infatuation is developing

wanting...only wanting

last night, chris and i made love

it was truly beautiful and i crave the feel of his skin against mine,
the mere presence of him next to me...wrapped up in each others' arms is beauty

i love you so much, it hurts

for the record

since i never really keep dated records of my life, i figured i might as well note

it happened last night

i want to be kissed, touched, held

please, chris

please

coming through fire doesn't mean there is no burn

i feel as if i am in a sort of limbo.
i know that i am coming into a higher level of this relational purgatory but it seems so unsure all of the sudden.

we spoke about whether or not we would stay together...
...but we never finished the conversation.
i spent a day in misery (because of many things) and felt unduely awkward...
...but he still sat on my lap.
i went to sleep without a kiss...
...but then i was awoken by him climbing into my bed.
i tried to sleep next to him...
...but i dreamt in harsh discomfort.

i hate to bring it all up again, but i think i just need to talk about this.

it's happening

we're having the talk that i hate, i dread, i sicken at the thought of its necessity

why am i so afraid of this, what is it that hurts so badly?

we're not through yet, we're not decided...

an yet he seems so unsteady...it's like he doesn't want it but he can't stand to say it

i can understand this absolutely, but then what good is understanding? what will it do but make it all the more apparant why he is right (or perhaps wrong, would that hurt?)

"i don't know" seems popular