Short Stories vs. Chapter Books

I like short stories because you can feel a sincere opening and a sincere closure all in the time it would normally take you to get a single piece of a complex plot from a larger, longer written work.

Not to speak against those lengthier options, it's just that sometimes I need to experience the overall much more quickly in order that I be reminded that it's alright to feel.
To be.

Just to feel and be
and be and feel.

Never to do with my right what I may with my left.

Swimming In The Wake Of A Doubtful Schooner

I can't seem to separate myself from this feeling of foreboding about John.

I don't really care all that much about trying to debunk the idea that this isn't going to work which is of concern to me.

I feel like I'm so taken with him, I'm so invested.
But then a part of me doesn't feel that same emotion returning from him.
I know he takes time to think about things, especially when I tell him flat out that I think he's beautiful, that he makes me happy just for being.

But I want to hear it back.

I want to be fed.

I feel a little starved of late.

I feel like this is something of a problem that I have.
As if I should be seeing things differently or behaving with a more carefully constricted reactivity.

I just want to be wanted like I want.

"I want,"... "I want,"... perhaps that's the whole issue here.
It keeps coming back to what it is that I want, that in some manner I feel like I deserve.

I don't really know how to properly react to this feeling.
Or should I say, these feelings.

I was so excited, I anticipated so much.
Right now I am experiencing an excruciating standstill.

I want to keep moving.
I want to move with John.
I want John to move with me.

There I go again with the "I wants," perhaps it's that I don't actually know what I want so I just indiscriminately throw things about which I think I want.

There's my frustration.

A Final Cut

Having finally reached the point at which I deleted both my Myspace and my Facebook accounts, I have to say that I feel a tension-ridden expectation, an anticipation of just how this whole idea of cutting off is going to be for me in the long run.

I hope for the best.
I really do.

But sometimes I guess I feel like he still has some sort of "one up" on me.

Lord knows he's just as hurt and lost as the rest of us.

Whenever It Seemed Right, It Was

I'm really growing quite tired of being disappointed by Christopher.
It's like he's repeatedly (and successfully) attempting to place as much purposed distance between us as possible.

I'm at a point where I'm frustrated with his behavior last night with regard to leaving Jina with Rod.

Thanks for the trustworthiness.

Now I just want to be through with he, Jenny, and that whole mess of a past.
I've never fully understood the whole "be careful not to cut off all of your old friends 'cause when the new ones leave you'll be all alone" concept, but right now I think I'm starting to see why it is that some choose not to heed such warnings.

Maybe I just need to lose myself in what I'm doing.
Work a lot.
Get prepared for school.
Spend what time I may with John.

And others.

We'll see how everything pans out and I'm glad to know that at least I'll have Sammy back.
It's comical to me how the situation between Sammy and I has hinged upon whether or not Chris and I were friends.

Actually it's somewhat lame.

But as Joel and I agreed on the phone Chris is by necessity a thing of the past.

We'll see whether or not Jenny and I can salvage anything but I'm sure that guttersnipe, bottom-dwelling trollop of a child formerly known as my boyfriend has already planted seeds of dissent amongst the impressionable troughs of her questionably fertile mind.

A little verbal refuse, if you will.