Swimming In The Wake Of A Doubtful Schooner

I can't seem to separate myself from this feeling of foreboding about John.

I don't really care all that much about trying to debunk the idea that this isn't going to work which is of concern to me.

I feel like I'm so taken with him, I'm so invested.
But then a part of me doesn't feel that same emotion returning from him.
I know he takes time to think about things, especially when I tell him flat out that I think he's beautiful, that he makes me happy just for being.

But I want to hear it back.

I want to be fed.

I feel a little starved of late.

I feel like this is something of a problem that I have.
As if I should be seeing things differently or behaving with a more carefully constricted reactivity.

I just want to be wanted like I want.

"I want,"... "I want,"... perhaps that's the whole issue here.
It keeps coming back to what it is that I want, that in some manner I feel like I deserve.

I don't really know how to properly react to this feeling.
Or should I say, these feelings.

I was so excited, I anticipated so much.
Right now I am experiencing an excruciating standstill.

I want to keep moving.
I want to move with John.
I want John to move with me.

There I go again with the "I wants," perhaps it's that I don't actually know what I want so I just indiscriminately throw things about which I think I want.

There's my frustration.