i know you don't want to talk about it,
but i want you to

i know it's not about me,
but how will things change even when it isn't

i have this fear that i am changing and you are not

i have this pain that i am more interested than you

i am a lame-ass retard and i hate feeling desperate or needy
can i say "i love you?"

the heart breaks,
but out flows a stream of paper,
ink stained by the utterances of love.

1) i love the way you tickle my back, even when you're upset
2) i love how thoughtful you are; always coming up with new ways to make me smile
3) i love the way you dance. it's so fluid and perfect
4) i love the way you cook great meals for...er,wait...
5) i love how much effort you put into pleasing me
6) i love watching movies with you; it's so comfortable
7) i love how you know everything! (i.e. teaching me new words or how to accurately order my coffee)
8) i love how you will go out of your way for people. it show how much you care and exemplifies authenticity.
9) i love that you have a set of values and moral; you're not a band geek
10) i love you, mostly...

may more hearts bleed for him in this

so the party was fun on some levels and really sad on others. i wish the hostess hadn't felt such failure but i definitely did.
perhaps it's something in that house.
i don't know.
we'll have to see if it persists next time we're there.

i am quite hungry right now and i feel like i could eat a horse.
she's gone and i am happy and angry and sad and i hate that i can't just settle on one thing.

i need to eat.
i need to study.

i need money.

i just want to spend all of my time with you
i think that is too possessive
i just like being around you
do you feel the same way i feel
can i trust myself to trust you
i hate feeling like i don't know
whenever i get the feeling...that empty, boiling pain in my stomach...i need to have something to do to make it better
what can i do
i am glad we talked about drugs
drugs scare me because i feel stupid
i wish i was alright with feeling stupid
i wish i wasn't an idiot about being inferior
i don't need to be better than everyone...i hate that
but i think i am
i am nothing sometimes
i am so fucking lame
i hate feeling this way
this is only feeding it

so now i feel like it all paid off...but it's not like i felt like i was earning up to something.
i mean, i won the heart points game.
that's kind of a big deal to me.
throwing out numbers makes me happy.
it was a nice beach,
it was a nice night,
it was a hateful cold.

boredom is not what i am feeling, i think i am feeling expectant or something like that.
what am i waiting for?

some days i feel like i am putting in way too much attention
others i feel like i don't get enough

i hate how i feel right now
i hate how i read into things

i wish i could go away for a day and then come back and be missed and have you get all mushy and excited.

i am going to get a book of shadows

i am going to write in blood or something

i want tomorrow to be really special

finally, this whole hair-cutting thing can blow over.
sure, there will be the obvious enough show of mistake for a little, but with a good haircut, things should be looking up QUITE a bit.

no more of this nastiness

good
i didn't like it, not one bit

i want to sleep in the same bed with you, i want to just lay my arm across you and feel warmth and favor, that seems so trivial and stupid but i don't care

damn, i'm retarded....

well fuck me, no really why don't you use something really fun while you're at it.
there's always broken glass or maybe a healthy does of flat out "i HATE you"

on it's ok, i don't think it's ridiculous how shitty i feel.

i am not mad, oh wait apoplectic would be really a good word for how i feel about your reaction.
this is not fair or necessary by any means.
what am i supposed to do, ignore that i feel slighted.

yes i made a large and noticeable mistake but that doesn't mean it was on purpose or something.

whatever.

i cut you something terrible

i cut me at the same time

it's not bleeding blood, but anguish still accompanies

do not worry, i cut myself all the way this time

you shall see, you shall over react (or perhaps you shall not)

i am so sorry

there are a number of people whose lives should now be kept in careful safety...

...otherwise they will find their throats severed and their blood used to write hateful prose on the public sidewalk.

screaming didn't seem sufficient in this situation.

teresa- hatred doesn't describe this feeling i have for you right now, you backstabbing bitch
lauren- you can bottle those tears and sell them to someone who really cares...or perhaps store them up and drown yourself
andrew- you started this, you will end it...or you will come to an end

i am bloody angry, i am cut in half and spilling out into the clean pool

i think i am finally satisfied in having a life marked by the secrecy of a non-disclosed journal.
this day is brighter,
this sky is bluer,
i am continually happy.

he is so wonderful
there is no other way to say it.

i am in love with Christopher Stewart Keith

he makes me happy, he allows me to be sad when i need to

there is something so raw, so passionate, so animalistic about how i feel toward him sometimes.
then there are the heart pangs that remind me why there is so much more to us than being in the same space.

our hearts are getting closer,
our eyes are sewn together...it's like we have one sight, one vision

i really, really love you and i am delighted to be your favorite

i am revelling in his affection.
there is something surreal about being so doted upon.
i feel like roles have finally switched.
or at least evened out.

i am selfish

i pray that this experience lasts...i am so relieved that i was wrong.

i am not finished for him.
we are not finished for each other.

i do not wish ill toward those who may be against us for any reason,
i merely rest in the joy we have rediscovered.

i must finish before the week is up

i feel as if i go up and down.
i feel as if i might break down or be sick because of the jolting nature of the ride i have made for myself.
can i not just bank on what he said?
can i not just remain secure in knowing that he loves me?
why am i so fickle?

i feel frightened that i am disappointing him left and right.
i am no longer good enough,
i have lost my newness...i am no longer the most exciting.
i want to talk to you again, i want to hold you again.

i want to fall asleep with you again.

where have i gone,
where have you gone?

where have we gone?

what is the matter with me,
there is nothing to be afraid of right now,
i am being an absolute child and it is embarassing.
all the more reason for him to think of me as less,
but does he think of me as less?
does he still hold me in high regard at all?

why these questions?

you love him, it's obvious
i love him, it's obvious
i don't want to lie but i will do practically anything to protect what we have
i am selfish in this
it's not about me getting what i want
i need to know that i am being the giver...i am wanting the best for him and not myself


i think what hurts themost right now is knowing that i cannot trust anyone for awhile...i guess i just need to sew my lips together and plan on being a pained smile

scream why you're hurting

i am so tired of it being an issue that i am gay...that ANYONE'S gay.
i want to be in love with him, i want to be happy with him.
i want everyone to be happy with us.
i feel like i mean nothing sometimes.
i feel like i am of no use, no value, i am young and inexperienced.
i am a fucking loser, an idiot.
GOD FUCKING DAMN ME TO THE SHIT-RIDDEN CESS POOLS OF ROTTING ENTRAILS FOR BE SUCH A GODDAMN ASSHOLE.
you are selfish
you are nothing
you are so goddamn stupid
you are fake
you are coniving
you are about to be little more than someone who WAS