The Cycle Goes Up And Down

Having now realized just how much I am willing to trust Chris despite the jealousies and pains I still hold I come into a new sense of emptiness.

Perhaps it's because I've scraped clean the insides of my innermost chambers in order that I make him see that he's inflicting pain.
Perhaps it's because I need someone to know who won't think I'm crazy.
Perhaps it's because I ought to be committed and I'm looking for someone who will send me on my merry way to a small room where I can sit and ponder why I didn't ask my mum to cook me breakfast more often.

These are the rolling and colliding questions which make me willing to lie to myself.
I am deceived by the confidence of a fast-paced day.
The smooth rhetoric of a happily encouraged friend or colleague.
The clever smile of a lover in my future as he glances at the time to make it look as if he has some reason to stop looking at me other than sheer embarrassment at his inability to tear away his attentions.

Having come to a very firm place of decision a short while back about my intentions to seek a deeper and more meaningful understanding of myself I am constantly battling the distractions of poorly formed old habits and trial-ridden new tradition.

It's like there's some sort of cutoff between my hope and my reality and yet the two operate so effortlessly synonymously when I merely close my eyes.

I have to keep listening.
I have to keep wanting to love.

The moment I stop wanting it is the moment I begin to glance longingly at the bladed edge of a wine key next to a half-empty bottle of blood-red Cabernet Sauvignon.

Feeling Me Out

You wanted to stay, Chris, and you wanted to stay alone.

It was like you were pushing Jenny out because she was in your special way.
Perhaps what I am writing is dripping with pain, annoyance, jealousy, but that's why I have this journal.

I know now, more than ever, that I cannot stand when people act two-faced.
I know why this is.
It's because I've seen it in myself.

Call it projection, call it unfair, it's still the truth.

I would like you to be happy.
However I would not like you to have your cake and eat it too.

I think that when I said I wanted you and I to stay close, to be a part of one another's lives, I was meaning in a way where we were still of some sort of paramount importance.
I feel like I am being slowly slid down some notch of measurement.
Like I am losing my appeal and/or importance to these new friends you're so eager to meet...on mother fucking Myspace.

Yes, I lied.
I don't respect it.
I find it tragic, pathetic.

Yes, I have met ONE person via that website and yes, we're still friends, but it's not as if it's this all-consuming passtime.
It seems to me, in my upset and looking-for-reasons attitude that this whole myspace canvassing for males (check), gay (check) 18-25 (check), within (10) miles of (97201) has become a regular thing.

What ever happened to really meeting people.
In daily life, at work, through people you already know...that's how organic relationships work.

Yes, I am being judgmental.
It's because I am spewing it all out right now.
I'm purging, in the emotional sense.

Since it seems that in these types of situations I am the common denominator that I am part of the problem.
I'm too attached to the consistency of a single person.
When it's gone, I'm thrown off balance.

When I choose to let it go I am able to ready myself but when it's all stored up and then dropped on me I feel kind of floored, exhausted, and excluded.

Exclusion still lies in the circle of my largest, most over-developed fears.

I need to practice more meditation, more centering, less object-referral.

I need to be okay with this and not snap.

Rid the Self of Hate

Having come to a point where I'm actually making a concerted effort to be a more fulfilled and peaceful person, I'm somewhat simplifying my life.

I say that with a little bit of a chuckle because it comes across as if I'm just another one of those wannabes who found the "fountain of youth" and are under the impression that it's brand new and just for them.

I know I have an incessant need to clarify myself in order that I not be taken the wrong way...then again...

(there's been something of a break in this)

I think I'm just on the constant verge of frustration for a bit.
It's like PMS.

Pulling a Dried Scab

Jeremi is seemingly asleep on the couch in my living room as I sit here in the dark, peering somewhat painfully at the stark screen of this plastic prison for my thoughts, feelings, habits, and communications.
I really don't know what to think about me lately.
I've been sexually active in ways which I would call irresponsible.

First, I did not allow for a clean break between Chris and myself.
Unwise.
The fact that I allowed myself to sleep with him even after we had fought and separated tells me that while I may be over he and I in the permanent relationship sense, I am still very attached to the idea of someone knowing me...just knowing.

Second, James was a person who was little more than a quick physical attraction which I attempted to culture into something more for the sake of it "making sense" not to mention my goddamned need to fix other people's problems and make them happy at my expense.
I can't even find my own happiness.
What business is it of mine to try and force my ideas of happiness upon them?

Third, Tony.
I fell hard.
I couldn't really venture a realistic guess as to why but for right now I still have the unerring feeling that it was a true and untainted attraction and hope for something more.
As with James, nothing more than kissing occurred.
And yet emotionally I was so sexually invested.
Yes, I do see the two as inextricably intertwined within myself.
I can understand how others would pull the meaning of one from the other and hold them at arms length from one another, much like the crucifix.
And again, like the crucifix, there is a deadness, a cold.

I'm far too sanguine to fall into such a diffidence.

Fourth comes with the title of Jesse.
He is someone I don't even know and I have had something of a latent attraction to ever since meeting him the night we all went to see 300. Nothing to the point that I couldn't help thinking about him, merely a light pleasure at his recollection.
The joking, flirting, banter, etc. was always an option.
A Safety.
A Cruel, Selfish Knowledge.
If I needed anything, there was an availability right there.

I refuse to even attempt a lie to myself in stating that I'm interested in dating him.
I guess he was right.
He doesn't do second dates.
Undateable.

Then a brief reconvening with Chris.
I felt so passionate but once again, it was due to the fact that I was in the midst of being known.
Perhaps now the biblical reference makes more sense. Hits more keenly.
Adam and Eve were in fact the only two of their species and they knew one another.
They were all that there was to know of anything other than their tasks.

And finally, I just fucked Jeremi.

I cannot write any other description because that's really all it was.
We both understood that.
We find some odd, latent attraction in each other.
We were at the "right place at the right time" and then it occurred.

It wasn't because we loved each other.
It wasn't because we were overwhelmed with passion.
It was just because it felt inevitable.
Like there would be no avoiding it so why not just get it out of the way now...no question makr because it was no question.

I feel like I should feel.
I see all of these things as typically invoking of some sort of emotion: regret, excitement, sadness, thrill, a dirty guilt

Not so.

I just go on feeling the same mediocre I have been feeling.
Where did my reactivity go?
How did I reduce to this?

It's a seeming battle to stay random and diverse and yet I want it so badly so I fight harder and harder.
When will I give out?

How long will it take me?

I don't want to be like this, this wanton thing.

I feel like my sexuality has become nothing more than an exercise.
It's so devoid of reality.
The romance once saturating my physical thirst for another's body is now robbed of me by a culprit with a face much like my own...except there is no fire in his eyes. No curl in his hair. Not even a sneer of victory.
Only a blankness.
A deadness.
A Cold.

When Thinking of Change

I talked to Chris today.
Finally.
It took me nearly a week to convince him that it was worth his effort to spend a single conversation with me.
The conversation took place at the Starbucks next to the old house.
I met him there and felt a stirring sense of panic in the pit of my stomach as I took more and more strides down the heated concrete.
I began to gnaw determinedly on the dry skin at the tips of my already hideously misshapen fingernails and it was then that I realized how fully nervous I was.

The truth of the matter is that I never know quite what I'm going to utter verbally when I make a point of having a planned conversation. I simply hold to the repeatedly proven fact that I will be profound and my thoughts will come out in a new way which will in turn improve my perspective causing me to learn new things about myself. About my ability to be happy. About my life.

These things could be said to be the sole drives for what it is that fuels my daily reason to get up and tackle yet another morning routine before yet another afternoon routine into yet another evening routine.
Can a person be afraid of doing the same arbitrary thing twice?

I guess I have no idea about people in general, only myself.
Even then I don't always trust what I have to draw from.

I have realized that a large part of what causes me this overall sense of insatiable craving for something more from life stems from my inability to find contentment in anything over which I do not hold any power or command any level of respect.

It's as if there's a certain amount of harnessed surety I need in order to embrace the fullness of everyday.
I need to know everyday will be everyday.

Chris is a constant reminder of my lack of ability in this area.
I cannot always know.
I cannot always hold it in my lanky, warm fingers.

I cannot always know him.
I cannot always hold him in my lanky, warm arms.

And yet now I seem to have found an increased confusion.
I can't see what's right...only what my lying emotions tell me "feels" right.

I don't want to make Chris another quote-unquote.

I don't want to love him and I don't want to want him and yet I cannot help the fact that I do.
Oh, so sincerely.

I don't feel safe with anyone.
I want to feel safe.
I want to make someone feel safe.

The Luck Of Me

I'm lucky.
I can accept that.
I cannot assure it and I'm getting scared that it's going to run out.
Should I have to be afraid of good fortune?

I love it and I hate it.
It makes me comfortable while making others frustrated and sometimes jealous.
I just want to live.

I got signed with the International Modeling Agency a few days ago.
It's official, I am a model...well, on paper anyway.
I just want it to come to some huge point of fruition.

I want to make a lot of money right away and pay off my credit care bills and get everything back to zero.
I want to go from zero.
Actually, I want to go from far above zero.
I want to go from raving success.

I'm betraying the selfish side of me which is always so carefully hidden or glossed over.
I just want to make a royal SHITload of money and not have to worry about finances for awhile.

One More Secret

This is the space usually occupied by angry, embittered outpourings of jealousy and hurt.

Not anymore, that is...not like it used to be.

Christopher and I are engaged.

Engaged!

It's the strangest, most surreal feeling to think of our now-solidified committment.
I just want to get going on the rest of our lives together right now.

I'll admit that right now I am feeling a slight amount of jealousy at he and the rest of everyone's probable activities for the evening.
I mean, I was going to eat the magical mushrooms as well...yay Charlie!

But it wasn't to be for now.
I am going to try and get some here anyway.

But overall, the wistful semi-jealousy I had felt is now more of an "oh, well" feeling.

This is much better.

He Has Become

Words are so powerful.

MY words are so powerful.

I have gone from utter silence to a deafening roar of blatant evil.
Looking over the writing pouring from me into my hemlock has shown me just how twisted and terrible I am...and most likely always shall be.

I am vengeful.
Hateful.
Malicious.

I will to bring pain...and I succeed.

Being Right Never Hurt This Much

Having held onto the possibility of something truly heartbreaking, truly without explanation and thus having created a worsening where...where...

Oh, screw this elevated language and writing.
I hate this feeling, like I HAVE to put everything so eloquently.

Chris cheated on my with Lee.

It happened quite some time ago, but even then I had an idea.
This hurts a lot more than I wanted to let it.

I guess it sort of goes hand in hand with the concerns I had about Scott seeing as how I put all of my worry into one situation when the true basis came out of a previous occurrence.

I hate Lee so much right now, I think of him as a little devil sinking his claws into my boy.
I want nothing more than to strike out at him with all of the force I can muster and then to scream with all of the pent up jealousy and anger I possess.



I forgive Chris, I forgave him back when I knew it had happened.
But having now heard the reality of his own confession, I am a shell.

Funny how the compilation so carefully crafted for Scott's emotional/intellectual state now applies so directly to my own.
I listened to it as I walked in the rain last evening prior to talking to Chris.

I promised him that I would not talk of it again, would not use it to hurt him in any way, would not bring it up to anyone else.
I am realizing that I do not know whether or not I can truly do that.
I have a huge desire to talk to someone about the whole series of events as they stand in order that I might vent, regret, cry, I don't know.

I couldn't contain my frustrations last night as I began to feel an emotional melt-down occurring. However, I held back many, many tears and I am sure that I have caused something of an unhealthy compacting of healthy feeling and output.

I don't know what I should do about all of this besides pray and wish.

Chris needs a break and I respect that.
I just feel that I am going to lose him.
That he is going to slowly slip away from me.

I love him and this is so painful for so many reasons.
But I love him.

Forgive Me Father for I Have Sinned, It Has Been Two Weeks Since My Last Confession

There is something going on inside of my head and my heart.
In honesty, when is it that there is not something taking place in those regions.

Scott is amazing.
I have to admit that to myself.
He is attractive in so many ways and I am sincerely drawn to him.

Again, I must be honest in saying that I really do want something to happen between us.
I guess in truth I have to say that "something" already is happening.
Why do I not feel that accute sense of stomach-lurching sickness so typical of me in a situation where I feel like I could very well be cheating?

It's because I know that Chris is in the midst of the same thing.
He likes Scott.
And why shouldn't he?

Scott is more mature, more down to earth, more receptive, more masculine, and most importantly, more like-minded.

It feels as if I have finally gotten to see what it is about me that Chris is feeling I lack and he desires and suddenly there is this person that fits the bill.

Can I hold it against Scott?
Absolutely not.
He is who is and that is not blameworthy.

It is the same reason that I cannot let myself feel a sense of blame for who I am.
More specifically the person I am that is not what Chris wants.

And it's not even as if I believe Scott can do no wrong, it's more that I feel like the "wrong" he may do is lesser than my own offending points which may drive Chris away.

I am hurting inside at knowing that Chris' attentions are waivering.
It's similar to how I felt when Jeremi was in the picture at the beginning of the summer.
However this time the feeling is so much more threatening because, unlike Jeremi, Scott is a person who could genuinely hold Chris' attentions and fulfill what it is that he is looking for in someone.

I don't know how Chris feels.
He seems to be so much stronger than I.
At the same time I do not completely understand whether or not he takes this as seriously as I do.
I guess the accutest of pains comes in the moments when I realize that Chris would rather talk to Scott than me.

I just want to keep discovering Christopher.
I want to hold onto the beautiful boy who I love so much and yet at a threat of loss I feel the need to strike out by showing that I too can be desirable to others.
In this case the same person who Chris finds to be so fascinating.

I just want to talk to Chris. I just want to be transparent to him and him to me so that I can feel that same sense of love and "need" that he is seemingly so adverse to showing.
It's that same feeling I would get at the beginning of summer when I received his notes, his messages, and more importantly his weakness.

I am trying to pray about all of this and understand what it is that I am supposed to feel, how it is I am supposed to react.

If I were to force myself into a choice my choice would be Chris.
I have felt so much of an investment that I cannot imagine pulling out for a maybe.
Actually it's not even a myabe, it's an impossibility.

Face it, nothing can actually happen between Scott and myself. Or even Scott and Chris.
There is no room for anything other than an emotional/intellectual connection.
Perhaps this is one instance in which distance will be my saving grace.

I have to fight for Chris.
I did it before and I know I will do it again.

But now I feel as if even though nothing will be physically manifested in a manner so pointedly hurtful, there is still an opportunity for some kind of support if not enhancing of a notion of the lacking where Chris and my relationship is concerned.

Will it make being apart less worth working at, worth fighting for, worth bleeding over?

I cannot say for certain but it is merely a concept which I consider in an attempt to bring myself to readiness for what terrifies me.

I do not want to lose him.
I do genuinely love him.

I proved that once again to myself when I would not give into my desire to kiss Scott.
It reminded me of that time last Christmas when Chris told me of how he nearly let himself go with Jeremi...the only difference in this case was the fact that there was no spell.
No blinding magic.

I knew what I wanted, what I truly and deeply wanted.
My desire to be true to the boy I love rose above my desire to feel physically close to Scott.

As much as I think of myself as a physically driven (and sometimes weak) person, I was able to abstain from something that would have been so easy.

Chris, please, please know that I choose you.

How can I let you know without just saying it?
Please let me know.


In so many, many things with you, all I want is for you to let me know.

Why can't I just be happy?

Calling upon the insidious point of always...break loose.

I know I am profoundly attached to far too many things.

I am a jealous person and I have this stupid suspicion that Lee and Chris may have done something of which I am not supposed to know.

I don't know, I just wane at the lacking of that romantic attention.

Once Again, The Sinking Empty

Once again, it seems like I am constantly unsure of Chris and I.
I hate this feeling.
This is reminding me of that month few weeks leading up to our original break and I cannot let myself think that that is going to happen again.

But I am frightened. I am scared to think that I'm going to drive in some kind of wedge with my actions. I cannot let myself hold this fear.

I need to talk to you, Chris.
I need to ask you my stupid questions and I need to hear that you love you.
Just say it.

Where Do I Go With This?

I am in the middle of deciding whether or not to tell anyone else about Christopher and I.
I know that it's a call that should be made by the two of us in tandem, it just seems like there's no time to confer.

I just want it to be an average thing.
We can walk anywhere together, holding hands or not.

We can sit anywhere together, his head on my shoulder.

I just need to have more self-assurance so I don't feel a need to feel external approval.

Come Clean

I admitted that I read the book.
I was less hard than I had expected.
I love Christopher.

Too much to tell

In the last several weeks my eyes have been opened to the possibilities of love.

That sounds so prosaic, so loose, so ideal.
And yet, that truly is how I feel at this point.

Chris and I have a chance.
It seems so small sometimes, but it's still a chance.

We love each other, we have both claimed it, both affirmed it, both lived it.

Something is different.
There's less of the weight of proof on my own shoulders now.
I feel like Chris has taken on some of what he left to me for fear of, well, fear.

I have to admit a strong sense of triumph over the forces of Jeremi.
He tried to get a hold on Chris' heart via victimization and vulnerability...and yet while I smile cruelly at his romantic demise in my favor, I recognize that I am not completely above reproach on that same level.

I have to admit that I put myself up against impossible odds in order to be saved by my Christopher and this is not an effort of honesty so much as an ideal proof of love.

Sometimes I really confuse myself with how much I process internally.

Chris got a little pointed (in a very polite way) about sharing our food today.

I felt kind of dumb for not thinking about the fact that I was sharing what was both of ours.

But hey, it's a chance for me to exercise NOT flipping out over being corrected.

I got a single hug today.

It was just right.

This Story Finds Binding

When will I ever be able to tear myself away from Chris?

I find in my heart such an unconditional love for him...even though previous posts would tell of some deep-rooted hurt, it is now obvious that those were only feelings of the brief moment.

I have spent much time with him lately.
I have spent many nights with him.
I have held him close.
I have kissed him.

I have been held.
I have been kissed.

Please God, let it be real, let it stay.
I want nothing more right now.

I don't want to be afraid to know what I want.

Several Days...Severe Daze

I am sitting in front of dear Mable wishing against wishing that Chris could find it in his heart to try again.

I know, I know...we are one and the same where affirmation is concerned and I can only imagine his level of contempt for feelings of insufficiency or lacklustre acceptance from those he cares about.

But it just seems as if everything is so real, so tangible when we're together.

I love him still, I love him so much.

Cole made a really definite point in saying how I need to tone down and she's right...God I hate it but she's right. There's no way I can go on flirting with attention-getters when I know that calming down into realism will be my only true salvation.

Then there's the issue of Jeremi, I get suh bitterness towards him when I think of his affections for the man I love...the boy I adore...but then again, as tonight seems to confirm...Chris is not interested in that.

The fact that Chris would prefer to call me after they were through talking shows me a lot about how much of an established comfort there truly is between the two of us.
The fears I had about something happening in my absence are beginning to aleviate and I hope they continue to be confirmed to that end.

Listening to Sting sing along with Chris Botti's sedcutive Jazz trumpet carries me to a level of serene contentment which I can only describe with words such as "shallow ideal" but conceptually this feels so genuine.

*sigh* on with my show.

insufficient

sometimes I really feel like less,
almost as if I am hopelessly below what is required or expected.

Tonight was one of those times.
I could not hardly even get an erection...Jeremi tried...Chris tried...it was no use.

I hate it, I mean I enjoyed myself, sure...but overall it's like I couldn't go through with it.

I am pretty sure that the main reason has something to do with me still being head over heels for Chris.