Being Right Never Hurt This Much

Having held onto the possibility of something truly heartbreaking, truly without explanation and thus having created a worsening where...where...

Oh, screw this elevated language and writing.
I hate this feeling, like I HAVE to put everything so eloquently.

Chris cheated on my with Lee.

It happened quite some time ago, but even then I had an idea.
This hurts a lot more than I wanted to let it.

I guess it sort of goes hand in hand with the concerns I had about Scott seeing as how I put all of my worry into one situation when the true basis came out of a previous occurrence.

I hate Lee so much right now, I think of him as a little devil sinking his claws into my boy.
I want nothing more than to strike out at him with all of the force I can muster and then to scream with all of the pent up jealousy and anger I possess.



I forgive Chris, I forgave him back when I knew it had happened.
But having now heard the reality of his own confession, I am a shell.

Funny how the compilation so carefully crafted for Scott's emotional/intellectual state now applies so directly to my own.
I listened to it as I walked in the rain last evening prior to talking to Chris.

I promised him that I would not talk of it again, would not use it to hurt him in any way, would not bring it up to anyone else.
I am realizing that I do not know whether or not I can truly do that.
I have a huge desire to talk to someone about the whole series of events as they stand in order that I might vent, regret, cry, I don't know.

I couldn't contain my frustrations last night as I began to feel an emotional melt-down occurring. However, I held back many, many tears and I am sure that I have caused something of an unhealthy compacting of healthy feeling and output.

I don't know what I should do about all of this besides pray and wish.

Chris needs a break and I respect that.
I just feel that I am going to lose him.
That he is going to slowly slip away from me.

I love him and this is so painful for so many reasons.
But I love him.

Forgive Me Father for I Have Sinned, It Has Been Two Weeks Since My Last Confession

There is something going on inside of my head and my heart.
In honesty, when is it that there is not something taking place in those regions.

Scott is amazing.
I have to admit that to myself.
He is attractive in so many ways and I am sincerely drawn to him.

Again, I must be honest in saying that I really do want something to happen between us.
I guess in truth I have to say that "something" already is happening.
Why do I not feel that accute sense of stomach-lurching sickness so typical of me in a situation where I feel like I could very well be cheating?

It's because I know that Chris is in the midst of the same thing.
He likes Scott.
And why shouldn't he?

Scott is more mature, more down to earth, more receptive, more masculine, and most importantly, more like-minded.

It feels as if I have finally gotten to see what it is about me that Chris is feeling I lack and he desires and suddenly there is this person that fits the bill.

Can I hold it against Scott?
Absolutely not.
He is who is and that is not blameworthy.

It is the same reason that I cannot let myself feel a sense of blame for who I am.
More specifically the person I am that is not what Chris wants.

And it's not even as if I believe Scott can do no wrong, it's more that I feel like the "wrong" he may do is lesser than my own offending points which may drive Chris away.

I am hurting inside at knowing that Chris' attentions are waivering.
It's similar to how I felt when Jeremi was in the picture at the beginning of the summer.
However this time the feeling is so much more threatening because, unlike Jeremi, Scott is a person who could genuinely hold Chris' attentions and fulfill what it is that he is looking for in someone.

I don't know how Chris feels.
He seems to be so much stronger than I.
At the same time I do not completely understand whether or not he takes this as seriously as I do.
I guess the accutest of pains comes in the moments when I realize that Chris would rather talk to Scott than me.

I just want to keep discovering Christopher.
I want to hold onto the beautiful boy who I love so much and yet at a threat of loss I feel the need to strike out by showing that I too can be desirable to others.
In this case the same person who Chris finds to be so fascinating.

I just want to talk to Chris. I just want to be transparent to him and him to me so that I can feel that same sense of love and "need" that he is seemingly so adverse to showing.
It's that same feeling I would get at the beginning of summer when I received his notes, his messages, and more importantly his weakness.

I am trying to pray about all of this and understand what it is that I am supposed to feel, how it is I am supposed to react.

If I were to force myself into a choice my choice would be Chris.
I have felt so much of an investment that I cannot imagine pulling out for a maybe.
Actually it's not even a myabe, it's an impossibility.

Face it, nothing can actually happen between Scott and myself. Or even Scott and Chris.
There is no room for anything other than an emotional/intellectual connection.
Perhaps this is one instance in which distance will be my saving grace.

I have to fight for Chris.
I did it before and I know I will do it again.

But now I feel as if even though nothing will be physically manifested in a manner so pointedly hurtful, there is still an opportunity for some kind of support if not enhancing of a notion of the lacking where Chris and my relationship is concerned.

Will it make being apart less worth working at, worth fighting for, worth bleeding over?

I cannot say for certain but it is merely a concept which I consider in an attempt to bring myself to readiness for what terrifies me.

I do not want to lose him.
I do genuinely love him.

I proved that once again to myself when I would not give into my desire to kiss Scott.
It reminded me of that time last Christmas when Chris told me of how he nearly let himself go with Jeremi...the only difference in this case was the fact that there was no spell.
No blinding magic.

I knew what I wanted, what I truly and deeply wanted.
My desire to be true to the boy I love rose above my desire to feel physically close to Scott.

As much as I think of myself as a physically driven (and sometimes weak) person, I was able to abstain from something that would have been so easy.

Chris, please, please know that I choose you.

How can I let you know without just saying it?
Please let me know.


In so many, many things with you, all I want is for you to let me know.

Why can't I just be happy?

Calling upon the insidious point of always...break loose.

I know I am profoundly attached to far too many things.

I am a jealous person and I have this stupid suspicion that Lee and Chris may have done something of which I am not supposed to know.

I don't know, I just wane at the lacking of that romantic attention.

Once Again, The Sinking Empty

Once again, it seems like I am constantly unsure of Chris and I.
I hate this feeling.
This is reminding me of that month few weeks leading up to our original break and I cannot let myself think that that is going to happen again.

But I am frightened. I am scared to think that I'm going to drive in some kind of wedge with my actions. I cannot let myself hold this fear.

I need to talk to you, Chris.
I need to ask you my stupid questions and I need to hear that you love you.
Just say it.

Where Do I Go With This?

I am in the middle of deciding whether or not to tell anyone else about Christopher and I.
I know that it's a call that should be made by the two of us in tandem, it just seems like there's no time to confer.

I just want it to be an average thing.
We can walk anywhere together, holding hands or not.

We can sit anywhere together, his head on my shoulder.

I just need to have more self-assurance so I don't feel a need to feel external approval.

Come Clean

I admitted that I read the book.
I was less hard than I had expected.
I love Christopher.

Too much to tell

In the last several weeks my eyes have been opened to the possibilities of love.

That sounds so prosaic, so loose, so ideal.
And yet, that truly is how I feel at this point.

Chris and I have a chance.
It seems so small sometimes, but it's still a chance.

We love each other, we have both claimed it, both affirmed it, both lived it.

Something is different.
There's less of the weight of proof on my own shoulders now.
I feel like Chris has taken on some of what he left to me for fear of, well, fear.

I have to admit a strong sense of triumph over the forces of Jeremi.
He tried to get a hold on Chris' heart via victimization and vulnerability...and yet while I smile cruelly at his romantic demise in my favor, I recognize that I am not completely above reproach on that same level.

I have to admit that I put myself up against impossible odds in order to be saved by my Christopher and this is not an effort of honesty so much as an ideal proof of love.

Sometimes I really confuse myself with how much I process internally.

Chris got a little pointed (in a very polite way) about sharing our food today.

I felt kind of dumb for not thinking about the fact that I was sharing what was both of ours.

But hey, it's a chance for me to exercise NOT flipping out over being corrected.

I got a single hug today.

It was just right.

This Story Finds Binding

When will I ever be able to tear myself away from Chris?

I find in my heart such an unconditional love for him...even though previous posts would tell of some deep-rooted hurt, it is now obvious that those were only feelings of the brief moment.

I have spent much time with him lately.
I have spent many nights with him.
I have held him close.
I have kissed him.

I have been held.
I have been kissed.

Please God, let it be real, let it stay.
I want nothing more right now.

I don't want to be afraid to know what I want.

Several Days...Severe Daze

I am sitting in front of dear Mable wishing against wishing that Chris could find it in his heart to try again.

I know, I know...we are one and the same where affirmation is concerned and I can only imagine his level of contempt for feelings of insufficiency or lacklustre acceptance from those he cares about.

But it just seems as if everything is so real, so tangible when we're together.

I love him still, I love him so much.

Cole made a really definite point in saying how I need to tone down and she's right...God I hate it but she's right. There's no way I can go on flirting with attention-getters when I know that calming down into realism will be my only true salvation.

Then there's the issue of Jeremi, I get suh bitterness towards him when I think of his affections for the man I love...the boy I adore...but then again, as tonight seems to confirm...Chris is not interested in that.

The fact that Chris would prefer to call me after they were through talking shows me a lot about how much of an established comfort there truly is between the two of us.
The fears I had about something happening in my absence are beginning to aleviate and I hope they continue to be confirmed to that end.

Listening to Sting sing along with Chris Botti's sedcutive Jazz trumpet carries me to a level of serene contentment which I can only describe with words such as "shallow ideal" but conceptually this feels so genuine.

*sigh* on with my show.

insufficient

sometimes I really feel like less,
almost as if I am hopelessly below what is required or expected.

Tonight was one of those times.
I could not hardly even get an erection...Jeremi tried...Chris tried...it was no use.

I hate it, I mean I enjoyed myself, sure...but overall it's like I couldn't go through with it.

I am pretty sure that the main reason has something to do with me still being head over heels for Chris.

End of the Year Syndrome

I told Pierce that I like him.

That came after a LONG period of car ride where we talked about music, life, the piano and tons of other amazing topics.

I guess I should feel bad for playing into the whole "ending of the extended relationship" thing with his girlfriend, but I kind of think he likes me back with a limitation based in his own discomfort with his feelings.

I guess I'll just have to see if he ends up coming down to see me.

There are a series of things that have happened of late to really piss me off...well, then again that sounds much harsher than I mean.

I guess it's just late and I am annoyed at myself for not being able to just go to sleep.

Chris is "suspicious" about something being up because he happened to be in the room when someone got an email about his surprise party.
-Damn!

He also didn't tell me that he was leaving for the concert yesterday...I have a strong feeling that that was on purpose.
-Damn!

He found the letter I wrote him.
-Damn!

This is coming out sounding as if I am very exasperated...well finally I am writing myself in a sense of justice.

I came to the conclusion that I think I do, in fact, possess the ability to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with a girl. It's just going to have to involve a lot of questions.

I think the questions scare me because they make me feel incomplete and unsure of what I want, I wish I could just know.

I did it again

I read that fucking book.
Why the hell does that Grimmerie of thought have to hold so much power over me?

I have shaken your fucking snowglobe...but only because you invited me to!
Did anyone ask the snowman what they wanted...I TRIED!

God, this is so stupid. I am so attached to someone who I need to recognize will never love me because his love goes into two people who he will not let me get close to.
But God forbid you blame Matt Barrow for shaking your globe.
I mean, he's not dating YOU...he's dating your wife.

Whatever, make up your mind and stop using me.
I feel used.
God, I cannot believe how used I feel.

I'm a fancy way to jack off.
Great...you know, I know of plenty of ways to really, REALLY hurt you and the reason I don't use them is because I DON'T WANT TO!
I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU!
I DON'T WANT TO HURT RACHEL!
I DON'T WANT TO HURT STEPH!

And yet you feel a need to protect them from me...to protect yourself from me.

At least now I know how you truly feel.

I am tired of feelings.
They are so stupid, so vulnerable...and I hurt them myself way too easily.

Chris is going to Iain's after the concert tonight...so obviously I couldn't be in that car now could I? I wonder if they remembered that I wanted to go...maybe, I don't really know.

hmmm...maybe I'll try and take action.

doubtful

So I'll admit that Matt Barrow has somewhat made me feel like it's not that important that I'm leaving.

I'll admit this came after I was tactfully excluded from a little "he and Chris sleepover" where apparantly their relationship is so much better because they are "1-on-1"

What, am I a hinderance?
Looking forward to being rid of that problem child?

I don't know what to think, Matt...could you just die, just a little bit, for me?

I'll be honest, in a single day...well, less than that...in a single evening I saw myself repairing my friendship with Chris and possibly even sleeping next to him.

What I saw as positive possibility later turned into reality and now I am so confused.

It wasn't love-making...not like we've known it before...it was- well, I guess it was less.
I felt like less.
I felt less genuine...I think I had a really hard time of it because I have disconnected from being loved romantically because of how much it hurt to be without something I was so used to.

I was originally very self-controlled.
I didn't even cuddle up next to him, I didn't barely touch him.
I tried to just let the two of us sleep.

But when I felt his hand pull mine closer,
when I felt his breath on my skin,
when I held him closer and gripped his hand...

...it was like I was on my way to where we were.

I wanted to finish that journey so badly, I just wanted the closeness...but it's been robbed of its truth somehow.

I am wondering again if Chris and I could ever be, well, be "Chris and I" again.
This is so much to think about all at once because, as opposed to what it used to be, for a brief moment this feels possible, this feels real.

I do miss him,
I do still love him.

I am glad I will at least be close to him some this summer.

*laughing to myself*

I just LOVE how this has become little more than "BitchAboutTheEx.com"
I credited myself with more original diversity than that...hmmm.

I guess sometimes I just wonder why the fuck I let myself get this hurt...I refuse to become bitter in general but I see that I am developing a rather dangerous bitterness toward Chris.

I mean, I really have a love for Steph, for Matt, for Rachel...hell, I even have a sort of compassion for Miranda...but Chris, no I am just angered at so many things now.

Leaving is parting...it's a space that has become unwanted but necessary.
Damn this retarded shit.

yeah, that was mature.

In continuation of my rant...

So, you've won back your territory.

You pissed roses around the floor and now there's a big, bold marker of your ownership.

"3R 'heart's CHRIS KEITH"

So what if you have some sort of right to this space...I still hate it.