Being Right Never Hurt This Much

Having held onto the possibility of something truly heartbreaking, truly without explanation and thus having created a worsening where...where...

Oh, screw this elevated language and writing.
I hate this feeling, like I HAVE to put everything so eloquently.

Chris cheated on my with Lee.

It happened quite some time ago, but even then I had an idea.
This hurts a lot more than I wanted to let it.

I guess it sort of goes hand in hand with the concerns I had about Scott seeing as how I put all of my worry into one situation when the true basis came out of a previous occurrence.

I hate Lee so much right now, I think of him as a little devil sinking his claws into my boy.
I want nothing more than to strike out at him with all of the force I can muster and then to scream with all of the pent up jealousy and anger I possess.



I forgive Chris, I forgave him back when I knew it had happened.
But having now heard the reality of his own confession, I am a shell.

Funny how the compilation so carefully crafted for Scott's emotional/intellectual state now applies so directly to my own.
I listened to it as I walked in the rain last evening prior to talking to Chris.

I promised him that I would not talk of it again, would not use it to hurt him in any way, would not bring it up to anyone else.
I am realizing that I do not know whether or not I can truly do that.
I have a huge desire to talk to someone about the whole series of events as they stand in order that I might vent, regret, cry, I don't know.

I couldn't contain my frustrations last night as I began to feel an emotional melt-down occurring. However, I held back many, many tears and I am sure that I have caused something of an unhealthy compacting of healthy feeling and output.

I don't know what I should do about all of this besides pray and wish.

Chris needs a break and I respect that.
I just feel that I am going to lose him.
That he is going to slowly slip away from me.

I love him and this is so painful for so many reasons.
But I love him.