End of the Year Syndrome

I told Pierce that I like him.

That came after a LONG period of car ride where we talked about music, life, the piano and tons of other amazing topics.

I guess I should feel bad for playing into the whole "ending of the extended relationship" thing with his girlfriend, but I kind of think he likes me back with a limitation based in his own discomfort with his feelings.

I guess I'll just have to see if he ends up coming down to see me.

There are a series of things that have happened of late to really piss me off...well, then again that sounds much harsher than I mean.

I guess it's just late and I am annoyed at myself for not being able to just go to sleep.

Chris is "suspicious" about something being up because he happened to be in the room when someone got an email about his surprise party.
-Damn!

He also didn't tell me that he was leaving for the concert yesterday...I have a strong feeling that that was on purpose.
-Damn!

He found the letter I wrote him.
-Damn!

This is coming out sounding as if I am very exasperated...well finally I am writing myself in a sense of justice.

I came to the conclusion that I think I do, in fact, possess the ability to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with a girl. It's just going to have to involve a lot of questions.

I think the questions scare me because they make me feel incomplete and unsure of what I want, I wish I could just know.

I did it again

I read that fucking book.
Why the hell does that Grimmerie of thought have to hold so much power over me?

I have shaken your fucking snowglobe...but only because you invited me to!
Did anyone ask the snowman what they wanted...I TRIED!

God, this is so stupid. I am so attached to someone who I need to recognize will never love me because his love goes into two people who he will not let me get close to.
But God forbid you blame Matt Barrow for shaking your globe.
I mean, he's not dating YOU...he's dating your wife.

Whatever, make up your mind and stop using me.
I feel used.
God, I cannot believe how used I feel.

I'm a fancy way to jack off.
Great...you know, I know of plenty of ways to really, REALLY hurt you and the reason I don't use them is because I DON'T WANT TO!
I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU!
I DON'T WANT TO HURT RACHEL!
I DON'T WANT TO HURT STEPH!

And yet you feel a need to protect them from me...to protect yourself from me.

At least now I know how you truly feel.

I am tired of feelings.
They are so stupid, so vulnerable...and I hurt them myself way too easily.

Chris is going to Iain's after the concert tonight...so obviously I couldn't be in that car now could I? I wonder if they remembered that I wanted to go...maybe, I don't really know.

hmmm...maybe I'll try and take action.

doubtful

So I'll admit that Matt Barrow has somewhat made me feel like it's not that important that I'm leaving.

I'll admit this came after I was tactfully excluded from a little "he and Chris sleepover" where apparantly their relationship is so much better because they are "1-on-1"

What, am I a hinderance?
Looking forward to being rid of that problem child?

I don't know what to think, Matt...could you just die, just a little bit, for me?

I'll be honest, in a single day...well, less than that...in a single evening I saw myself repairing my friendship with Chris and possibly even sleeping next to him.

What I saw as positive possibility later turned into reality and now I am so confused.

It wasn't love-making...not like we've known it before...it was- well, I guess it was less.
I felt like less.
I felt less genuine...I think I had a really hard time of it because I have disconnected from being loved romantically because of how much it hurt to be without something I was so used to.

I was originally very self-controlled.
I didn't even cuddle up next to him, I didn't barely touch him.
I tried to just let the two of us sleep.

But when I felt his hand pull mine closer,
when I felt his breath on my skin,
when I held him closer and gripped his hand...

...it was like I was on my way to where we were.

I wanted to finish that journey so badly, I just wanted the closeness...but it's been robbed of its truth somehow.

I am wondering again if Chris and I could ever be, well, be "Chris and I" again.
This is so much to think about all at once because, as opposed to what it used to be, for a brief moment this feels possible, this feels real.

I do miss him,
I do still love him.

I am glad I will at least be close to him some this summer.

*laughing to myself*

I just LOVE how this has become little more than "BitchAboutTheEx.com"
I credited myself with more original diversity than that...hmmm.

I guess sometimes I just wonder why the fuck I let myself get this hurt...I refuse to become bitter in general but I see that I am developing a rather dangerous bitterness toward Chris.

I mean, I really have a love for Steph, for Matt, for Rachel...hell, I even have a sort of compassion for Miranda...but Chris, no I am just angered at so many things now.

Leaving is parting...it's a space that has become unwanted but necessary.
Damn this retarded shit.

yeah, that was mature.

In continuation of my rant...

So, you've won back your territory.

You pissed roses around the floor and now there's a big, bold marker of your ownership.

"3R 'heart's CHRIS KEITH"

So what if you have some sort of right to this space...I still hate it.

I did it, alright?!

I stole your God damned Book of Shadows

It's so wonderful to see how much careful attention you payed to the life that you so carefully told me was so hurtful. It's really nice to see how my so-called "role" in your life was little more than a footnote to pages of decisively over-romanticized bullshit.

Hah, maybe I should count myself lucky that I found nothing pertaining to me. After all, I would probably find some convoluted way to hold onto a childish feeling of importance...like I actually meant something.

I'm also really glad to know that the "best relationship you [had] ever been in" was such a blank space for you.

You could have at least said SOMEthing...or maybe even left a blank page.
But no.
You go on writing as if the last five months of life never happened.

Don't think that I flatter myself with thinking that that's only because I was a part of those months...but still, it's so brazen.

I am in a satisfactory state of being ROYALLY PISSED.

I'm leaving. No more of this if it really means nothing.

It's ok, I have already read how I won't be missed.

I think I am going to do it

I've almost made a decision that I am sure could be detrimental to my "friendship" with Chris.

I'm going to steal it.
I'm going to steal the Book of Shadows.

Why, I ask myself...

...because it's off limits and I want to.
I am being the biggest bitch in the world right now because my heart and my head are in terrible coincidence. We are not where we thought we would be...and yet somehow, he is where he wants to be.

I almost hate you for that except that I can think back on the good times, the romantic times where life was so surreal...ideal even.

Whatever, you've signed off, I've begun to callous.
Stab me with something.